How to create connection instead of conflict

You see that the world is changing and you want to talk about it.

You might be scared, angry, anxious or frustrated. You want to talk about it.
To deal with the emotions, to mitigate the problems and to build the solutions.

But… open up a discussion about climate change on a dinner with friends and you can quickly ruin the mood.

Mention that you are interested sustainability and people might think you are a vegetarian, never drive, and vote for the green party. They immediately distance themselves and raise their shields expecting an attack on how they live their lives, or a lecture on how bad the fossil fuel companies are.

Every attempt to connect with others seems to fail.

You never change someone’s opinion and you don’t help save the world.

You start feeling lonely. No one is listening, no one is caring and the only way to get someone to care is to scream louder, both in words and in actions.

When Your Words Build Walls Instead of Bridges

We never solve problems by ignoring them.
We solve problems when we talk and communicate around them.
By opening the conversation, we find new perspectives, share our experience and start to plant new solutions.

When talking doesn’t seem to work, you can choose to become silent… or become better at connecting with others and build better bridges.

Over the years:

• I have seen people raising their shields,

• I have seen people trying to argue and defend their choices

• I have been encouraged to stop talking about this “hoax” and focusing on something else.

I have never stopped talking though, which has taught me many lessons on how to connect and have more effective conversations.

This piece is not an argument that you should talk more about climate change, humanity and how our world is changing. All you need to know is that “the majority of people in every country support action on climate”. People want to have these kinds of conversations… but they don’t know how.

I use the framework:

• Let them go first!

• “Wizard or Prophet"?

• Connect, don’t convince

These three tools can help you build better bridges when talking about climate change.

Even if they are somewhat connected to each other, let’s look at them one at a time.

1. Figure out what is important to them and create a framework around it.

If you’ve seen a great movie, you might say:
“I have to tell you about this movie I saw last night”.
Or: “Seen any good movies lately?”

Either way, there’s a shared understanding.
Both of these alternatives work because it is clear that we’re talking about movies.

With climate, it’s not that simple. You say:
“I read about ocean heatwaves last night.”
But what happens next?

Where does the conversation go?

What do you say when you are done talking?
“What do you think about ocean heatwaves?”

That is too abstract. There isn’t a natural way to continue the conversation for the other person when you are done talking. So how do we solve this?

Sustainability is always part of the conversation, so let them go first.

Sustainability can be applied to almost everything, which is both a blessing and a curse.

If you go first… the shield might come up and there might be few obvious points to continue the conversation.

If instead you let them go first though, you zoom in on their interest and can build up the conversation from there.

• When someone shows interest in gardening you can effortlessly move the conversation to bio diversity and soil health

• If someones are passionate about cars → talk about the future of transportation and city planning.

• If you find yourself in a conversation about travel or vacations → move into an exploration about what are some vital elements of "a good life” and what you need in order to be happy.

When you let the other person take the lead, you can add your perspective to the conversation in a more relaxed way.

You’re responding, not preaching.

2. Are you talking to a “Wizard” or a “Prophet”?

Imagine standing and looking out over a field. The sun is gazing and you see that whatever was planted here… are not growing anymore.

If you chose to focus on the soil and how it is degraded and think that humans need to take a step back and give Nature time to recover - then you are likely a “Prophet”.

If you see that the farmers have not access to the most efficient tools, the best seeds, and that technology could help these farmers increase their yields - then you are likely a (tech) “Wizard”.

These two terms are coined by Charles C. Mann (you can learn more about it in his TED-Talk) and are two possible responses to our current situation. Scale back or innovate more. (Charles argues that we need both and so do I.)

The person you are talking to, are likely leaning towards one or the other.
Are you talking to someone who “want us to do less of X”,
or someone who wants us “to invest more in Y”.

Listening for these small cues can help you to balance the conversation. Either to lean in and agree, or maybe ask to challenge the perspective with an alternative point of view.

3. Never judge, never try to convince - always try to connect.

You know what they are interested in and you have managed to figure out if you are talking to a “Wizard” or a “Prophet”.

An important next step is never trying to convince them, never trying to change their point of view, and never judging them for their perspective.

You might disagree with this, stating that we need more people to know about X, talk about Y, or stop doing Z, and yes, you are most likely right.

But as Stephen Fry puts it, “I believe one of the greatest human failings, is to prefer to be right, then to be effective”.

If you want people to change their perspective, judging and blaming are terrible tools to use because they burn all bridges and doesn’t build any connections.

If you want to connect you have to find things you have in common. Do you like walking in the same park, eating the same food for breakfast, reading similar books, struggle with the same anxiety as a parent or simply want to build a better world.

You connect when you remind yourself and the one you are talking to, that you have many more layers than you might see at first. Finding these layers make you feel heard, and understood. Waving facts and figures or trying to force arguments down someones throat from your moral high-ground is not going to work.

It is time to have even better conversations

One of the quickest ways to create conflict is to assume that you know everything about someone and putting them in a box labeled “you are like this”.

This only create resentment and the lack of empathy and understanding, destroys connections and makes it harder to have meaningful conversations.

I’ve done this myself when talking to so-called “climate skeptics”.
It didn’t work since it just ended the conversation.

So I stopped doing that.
I started asking questions, started listen and applying this framework instead.

No, it doesn’t always work. But it works a lot better then silence. And we can’t afford not to talk about these questions and most of us want to talk more about it.

Therefore I encourage you to:

1. Let them go first: build on their interest.

2. Listen for clues: are they a “Prophet” or a “Wizard”.

3. Don’t judge: Connect with what you have in common.

Use these tools and I promise: you will have, deeper, and richer conversations around these topics.

You’ll build more bridges and more meaningful connections.
You’ll find that others who care and realize that you are not alone.

It is time we start talking to each other again.

If this resonated with you, share these tools with someone who wants to get better at these kinds of conversations. The more of us who practice, the better we all get.

If you want to continue the conversation send med a DM on LinkedIn

Until next time!
Daniel - The Talking Bridge

Ps. Music Motivation: Nightbirde It is OK - Live MHS Studios